:: masticate my porridge ::

2008-08-03T22:59:00.004+08:00

Well, duh

2007-06-13T10:58:00.000+08:00

'I was not eating or sleeping. I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage. I was not myself. It was a horrible experience,' Hilton said.

Apparently, Paris is surprised by "cage like" jail conditions.

2007-06-11T23:15:00.000+08:00

I'm a popular slut who everyone wants to fuck

2007-05-06T17:03:00.000+08:00

Take the first letter of your name

A-Gorgeous
B-Boyish
C-Pretty
D-Popular
E-Gangster
F-Girly
G-Dyke
H-Sweet
I-Retarded
J-Beautiful
K-Emotional
L-Fabulous
M-Slutty
N-Preppy
O-Hot
P- amazing
Q-Punky
R-Hot
S-Sexy
T- Very Sexy
U-Ugly
V-Wonderful
W-Hott
X-Bitchy
Y-Under-appreciated
Z-Over-appreciated

Now the third letter in your middle name(if you dont have one use your last name):

A-beauty queen
B- Babe
C-God (ess)
D-Obsesser
E- Bitch
F-Retard
G-Queen/ King
H-Slut
I-Girl
J-Goth
K-Nerd
L-sex god
M-pornstar
N-Alcoholic
O-Geek
P-Skank
Q-Crackwhore
R-Sex machine
S-Prince (ess)
T-Coward
U-Cry Baby
V-Jackass
W-Punk
X-Scaredy-cat
Y-Whore
Z-Chocoholic

Now What Color Is the Shirt You Are Wearing:

Red- Will Do Anything For Crack
purple- Who Looks At Porn 24/7
Orange- Who Likes It In The Butt
Yellow- Who Wants To Have Sex With You
Green- Who will do anything for Sex
Pink- Who has a ghetto booty
blue- Who likes to strip
White- Who everyone wants to fuck
Brown- Who Wears Big Sunglasses
Black- Who will rock your world
Gray- who gives great head
None-who is a beast in bed

Repost with "I'm A____"

2007-03-14T23:09:00.000+08:00

I received a letter today which read:

The American Biographical Institute is proud to present to you your nomination for

Great Minds of the 21st Century (2005 Edition)

Geez, at last. What took you so long. I am just slightly suspicious that a volume that purportedly immortalises the creme de la creme of 100 years would have an annual edition, and would be published before the time period it is supposed to cover is over. But I'll go along with it because it would be selfish of me to deprive the world of my superior intellect over a detail that only my oversized cerebral cortex could detect.

So after i pay the nominal admin fee of US$295, this is the citation I'll get:

Close but not quite Dept.

2007-02-25T02:39:00.000+08:00

Benny's guess at one of my drawings during Pictionary:

"Testicle fruit"

kinda...it was kiwi fruit

This shit is old dept

2007-02-22T23:14:00.000+08:00

I spent CNY in Siem Reap, Cambodia. This is where Angkor Wat and surrounding attractions are. It's about 300km northwest of the capital, Phnom Penh.

Glad i got off my lazy ass to go. Or rather, I'm glad i made like a madman from a meeting in London to catch the only flight that could get me onto the connecting flight to Cambodia on time.

The short drive to the hotel took us by Angkor Wat and while it was pretty cool at first to see the silhouette of the huge structure, after a while the feeling was like, "Damn, has this is one-trick pony just blown its load within 15 mins of me getting in?"

But it's so not like that.

Siem Reap, in the northern part of cambodia, is probably the best intro for a first-time visitor to the country . It sets the context for this country. It WAS one of the Indochinese powers in the 12th century, or at least it had a few psycho-ass kings who liked to go pillaging around what is now Thailand, Vietnam and even Malaysia. They also liked to build massive walled cities, knowing little that these monuments to their gods (and themselves) would give their country a means of survival 900 years later. While the walled Angkor Thom capital was built to keep out the Siamese invaders from the west and the muslim Chams to the east, it is helping Cambodia to survive in a completely different way today - through the tourist dollar.

We join a tour with maybe 12 other people, and as we set out, we drive past a construction site with squat blocks rising out of the ground. Pisit, our seriously informed tour guide, says "Now on the right used to be masquerade..... masquerade".

I realise he's saying "mass grave"

Pisit: "In Khmer Rouge regime, this was mini killing fields. Today it is apartment"

Welcome to the 21st century economy, Cambodia. The only thing below the ground on a piece of flat land should be a basement carpark.

Our first stop is Angkor Thom, which is a 9 square kilometre complex built as the capital of king Jayavarman VII in about 1200 AD. It was a living city, but the main attractions are the monuments to the various Khmer kings and the central Bayon temple, which is a surreal forest of two-storey, high four-sided face statues.

It's just jam packed with people...and one thing that surprises me is that it's all access. There are tourists clambering all over the stone temples, and you're free to touch the bas reliefs covering almost every built surface. No one is carting off Buddha heads in their backpacks, but still, all this must be causing massive wear and tear. I wonder how much damage has been done to these buildings in the 21st century alone, with the advent of low cost airlines and the new five-star hotels that have brought mass tourism to the city.

Bayon, the temple in the centre of Angkor Thom. It's not dedicated to one deity, but those of the other states that Jayavarman VII ruled over at the time too. Shiva, Brahma and Buddha are all in the house.

Angkor Wat is almost indescribable. Almost every single surface has a detail on it - a relief, inscription, painting. And it again is an intersection of cultures and faiths. And forget all that, it is just a beautiful structure.

I want to write more but it is taking time to organise my thoughts and collect all the references, cambodia will probably become a developed country by the time i am done.

Go see these important sites before they are roped off or just collapse on a busload of japanese tourists.

True Dat dept.

2006-12-13T21:39:00.000+08:00

It's that time to reflect on the year that's been. Here are the most memorable things I've heard this year, as they come to me:

"What does a bulimic know about cooking?"

"How am i supposed to see her ass if she's coming right at me?"

Friend describing to his gf a dream he had:

"...and then i shot your dad in the stairwell"

====

That's all folks. Maybe i'll pay more attention to what y'all say in '07. Or maybe i'll just keep spacing out.

Things i don't want to be known for dept.

2006-08-15T23:44:00.000+08:00

"We're concerned because he has had a history regarding groin pulls"

-Team USA basketball head Jerry Colangelo on starting guard Gilbert Arenas

2006-07-24T15:22:00.000+08:00

Spotted this article in today's Financial Times:

Sexwale amasses warchest
By Michael Blebyin, Johannesburg
Tokyo Sexwale, the former South African freedom fighter turned politician turned businessman, yesterday said he had amassed a cash pile of R1.5bn ($209m) for further acquisitions.

Sorry it's a bit after April 1!!! You expect me to believe that a pillar of South African society is named Tokyo Sexwale? They would have tried a bit harder. I would have believed:

Porndog amasses giant collection
Boobtank in giant silicon discovery
DRT Sanchez in smear campaign

2006-06-27T01:58:00.000+08:00

I'm surprised the italian football team don't wear skirts when they play

2006-06-13T18:20:00.000+08:00

'Being honoured in the Chinese music scene gives me a bigger stepping stone to expose myself to the world''

- Tanya Chua, after winning Best Female Mandarin Singer at the 17th Golden Melody Awards

That's one way of upping album sales.

Trader's Delight

2006-05-24T08:52:00.000+08:00

The bargain hunters ran out of steam /
And we still have the same concerns on the macro scene

- Art Hogan, chief market analyst for Jefferies & Co, droppin' some rhymez on yesterday's market action

2006-05-23T22:35:00.000+08:00

I am stealing this from Kossin Nette's blog. iTunes fortune telling - switch shuffle-mode on and press play. and the order that the songs come in are the answers to the following questions.

How does the world see me?
Half-steering - by Halfmob

Will I have a happy life?
It wasn't us - by Ludacris

What do my friends think of me?
I'm a thug - by Trick Daddy

Do people secretly lust after me?
So here we are - by Bloc Party

How can I make myself happy?
Speed - by Little Brother
but of course

What should I do with my life?
Yesterdays - by Miles Davis

Will I ever have children?
Bang! - by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs
.... gotta start at the beginning i guess

What is some good advice for me?
Criminology - by Raekwon

How will I be remembered?
Resolve - by Foo Fighters
"Yesterday's been laid to rest, changing of the guard
I would never change a thing, even if I could" ooh ... deep.

What is my signature dancing song?
Dazed and confused - by Led Zeppelin
Probably referring to what i look like

What do I think my current theme song is?
The Brouhaha - by The Beastie Boys

What does everybody think my current theme song is?
Night Over Manaus - by Boozoo Bajou
boozoo who?? when did i put this song in there??

What song will be played at my funeral?
坐立不安 - by Tanya Chua
literally "to be restless" ... a bit creepy when referring to a dead person

What type of men/women do I like?
Seven Nation Army - The White Stripes

What is my day going to be like?
Twisted Logic - by Coldplay

Now i know this thing works.

2006-05-10T22:40:00.000+08:00

lest you think there is a theme developing.... eat this
the 2nd para of the instructions looks like it's going somewhere interesting... but it only goes to prove people who come up with knitting patterns don't get out much.

Mad Friction Dept.

2006-05-10T22:13:00.000+08:00

For those sunny days in the arctic when you're feeling a bit sexy

2006-05-10T21:59:00.000+08:00

In the copy room of my office, there's a little door with a sign, "Sump Pump Cabinet".

I'm afraid to ask... but could there be a party i'm totally missing out on?

Bittersweet department

2006-02-10T11:01:00.000+08:00

You're elated. You finally have your name published in the Straits Times. The whole of Singapore now knows your name. But they also know you as

"president of the Irritable Bowel Syndrome Support Group"

Congratulations... you know who you are.

P.S What does it take to be President of that group? Do you need to have to worst problem? How do you prove that?

Out of context dept

2005-11-20T22:30:00.000+08:00

Overheard from my dad:

"So how do lesbians get dressed?"

2005-10-27T22:18:00.000+08:00

ok, i know. it's been a while. not that i haven't been thinking about you... there have been countless stories of unimaginable idiocy (never my own) that i've wanted to tell. Oh yeh and there's also been something called a job but that's not important. While i try to collect my thoughts, let us contemplate an original photogramorphic composition.

I call this one, The Happiest Rabbit in the World.

Happy birthday, Bro

2005-08-28T23:21:00.000+08:00

2005-07-27T22:12:00.000+08:00

Far be it from me to make fun of other people...
ok, that is me.

The China interns are turning out to be a larger source of amusement than i imagined. From watching them put half a chicken into their mouth, to conversations like these

================================================

(useful info - i'm abt to change jobs)

Clueless China Intern: So what are you going to do after leaving the company?

Me: Become a hobo

Clueless: What means hobo?

Me: You know, carry ur stuff in a bedsheet strung on a stick, and travel the world

Clueless: Oh... you mean like a.... a.... tramp

Me: Yes... like a tramp

Colleague: What? You're going to be a homo?

Me: Shut up mutherfucker

Clueless: What means homo?

later that day

Clueless: i know what a tramp is, but i've never heard of hombo.

Me: Hobo

Clueless: Yes, yes, hobo. Which is the more commonly used term, hobo or tramp?

* At this point my colleague and I have lost it and are bent over at the waist laughing *

Me: Let me do a survey. It's been a while since i've used those words.

==============================

But hey, i'm no hypocrite. I learned a new word today too:

later, choads

Ass for popping a cap

2005-07-20T21:09:00.000+08:00

Yes, i've been away for a while, but it's because i've been on travels, collecting wild and wondeful samples from the outside world for your amusement. Such as the sad specimen below, whom I call "The Thirstiest Woman in the World", spotted by me and V in Macau.

Diet or regular?

2005-06-22T20:51:00.000+08:00

This banner outside a hotel caught my eye last week. That got me wondering - who is this mysterious Virginia? Where did she come from and how did she arrive at this fleabag hotel?

To me, this is the only logical answer:

Virginia (born Altanbujir BhasarQo'ayci) was a goat milk taster on the Mongolian Steppes. Her job was to taste the "first pour" from the herd. Sometimes it was sweet, sometimes it was chunky, especially if the goats had been drinking the night before. Her career path would have taken her to herd management supervisor (the person that ties rubber bands on the male goats' doodads so that they turn black and fall off), but she wanted more out of life than just handling goats from the neck backwards. She heard that a career in travel was a great way to get paid seeing the world, and she wanted to serve people. She also liked the thought of working in an environment where the merchandise would not take a dump while u were trying to drink from their glands. So she became a bus, growing a purple paint job and giant mirrors. She enjoyed a stellar career, with traveller after traveller climbing on her and riding her for hours.

However, her only problem was that she enjoyed her job so much, she didn't know how to stop once she started rolling. The only way for passengers to reach their destination was to hang a sign outside that told Virginia that she had, indeed, arrived.

2005-06-15T21:50:00.000+08:00

"What's that smell? Is it garbage.... or kimchee?"

...so said my partner in fishball crime V as we walked past her Korean neighbour's door.

2005-05-16T18:45:00.000+08:00

Thank you. Tomorrow this is going on the printer. Who's the poetry lover now?

Oh what the hell. I also googled "anus pus" and will print the first link that came up.

Aren't they just midget onions?

2005-05-14T13:43:00.000+08:00

The other day in the office i went to the printer to get my copy of "Dividend and capital gains taxation", and saw that someone had printed out "The Lady of Shallot" by Alfred Tennyson. It starts

On either side the river lie
Long fields of barley and of rye,
That clothe the world and meet the sky;
And thro' the field the road runs by
To many-tower'd Camelot;
And up and down the people go,
Gazing where the lilies blow
Round an island there below,
The island of Shallot

....and on and on for 5 fucking pages. How much crack did this man smoke? I know that without the shallot we wouldn't have sambal balachan, but this is ridiculous. And I'm a big fan of misusing corporate resources, but at least do it for something good.

So i'm going to do a little extra-curricular printing of my own. Give me some suggestions for random stuff i can print and leave sitting on the printer to see if anyone notices.

Anything other than porn is ok - that goes in my private collection.

2005-05-12T13:11:00.000+08:00

Oh Mr Potato, you've done it again.

Caption competition - And the winner is....

2005-05-10T20:39:00.000+08:00

By EeeeevilGirlie!!!

As promised, all the kueh u can eat...

Caption competition - A flurry of entries!

2005-05-10T20:37:00.000+08:00

From someone mysterious:

"Don't look now but i think that handsome young lady with the beard over there is making a pass at you"

"Would you masticate my porridge for me please? i think i left my gums in the car "

Sorry i cldn't fit them in the bubble

Caption competition - Entry 4

2005-05-08T13:38:00.000+08:00

By EeeeevilGirlie

2005-05-08T02:28:00.000+08:00

Yeh me again

Caption Competition - Entry 3

2005-05-07T12:34:00.000+08:00

By Puunkroc

Caption competition - Entry 2

2005-05-07T11:25:00.000+08:00

By Stoo

2005-05-06T23:09:00.000+08:00

V, if u read this - muvm

Ultimate Sacrifice Department

2005-05-04T23:03:00.000+08:00

Saw this testimonial in Friendster, from a girl to a guy:

Thx for your testi~ And thx so much for coming to my b-day party last time~
=) Though only met you twice, you are really a nice gentlemen in my
impression.Wish to see you again soon! =P

Dude, good gift for her bday, but I wouldn't be giving those away too freely. You might need em for procreation, if not with her. Maybe next time a nice card will do.

2005-05-04T18:58:00.000+08:00

Received an email today:

Dear all,

Please be advised xxx will do a presentation to all next
Monday 9th May at 4.30pm.

Dial in details together with xxx's
presentation will be sent to you next Monday.

Kindly diarise for the
time being.

Diarise. Diarise. I'll diarise you m**f**ker.

Caption competition: Entry 1

2005-05-02T12:49:00.000+08:00

By EeeeevilGirlie

2005-05-01T16:53:00.000+08:00

Caption competition

Entries to the shoutbox or the comments page... winners get some of that delicious kuey that LHL is eyeing suspiciously

2005-05-01T16:51:00.000+08:00

P.S. Happy birthday Anne... i hope u got some ice cream

2005-05-01T16:31:00.000+08:00

An existential reply to my cousin

Colonel Nathan Jessep on the Stand

You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall.We use words like honor, code, loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!

2005-04-28T19:28:00.000+08:00

Evidence that the world is collectively retarded

Top 5 Searches on MSN, Thursday 28 April 2005

1. Drew Barrymore
2. ‘Star Wars’
3. Reese Witherspoon
4. Food pyramid
5. ‘Harry Potter’

Uni dropouts of the world, rejoice

2005-04-28T16:21:00.000+08:00

Seems like MIT needs to increase the coursework load for their graduate students... three of them with too much time have written a program that randomly generates Computer Science journal articles. One such randomly generated article ("Rooter: A Methodology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy") was recently accepted to the 9th World Multi-Conference on Systemics, Cybernetics and Informatics.

I am now the proud author of Bun: Multimodal algorithms. See it here (not sure how long it will be there for). Figure 3 is something that i thought especially hard about. Nobel committee, watch out.

Here is the original randomly generated paper that made it to the nerdfest:

http://pdos.csail.mit.edu/scigen/rooter.pdf

2005-04-27T20:05:00.000+08:00

I've noticed that water boils faster in the summer

There, I've established my intellectual credentials for all.

Ultratoxophile today has a fine example of an abberration of the male species, not only because ... well you'll see... but also because of his misuse of the term Grrl.

THESE are the real Grrrls. Try and spot Tiger Woods.

2005-04-22T09:54:00.000+08:00

Last nite i walked past a male mannequin with man boobs.... I think sometimes u can have too much reality

God's Rottweiler

2005-04-20T09:02:00.000+08:00

So we've got a "hardliner" Pope.

Well, didn't we suggest a hardliner too, but someone who can handle a Magnum .44 and looks good in white?? Sorry Sam, just not your conclave.

Seems like the cardinals were in a bit of a hurry. They theoretically had about 14 chances to vote but got it over with in 6 (i think). Maybe they felt that the Church had had enough of a warm and cuddly Pope and wanted someone that could kick some non-believer ass. Either way, the real test of Pope Benedict's tenure will be how patient and reverent the Church will be with him if ever he is wheelchair bound and can hardly speak.

Hail to the chief

2005-04-18T08:06:00.000+08:00

Stoo and I are starting a new campaign.

** Samuel L. Jackson for Pope **

8 reasons why Samuel L. Jackson would make a good Pope:

1. Can already handle a weapon; save money on Popemobile.

2. Good source of pithy bible quotes that will rouse the congregation on Sunday

3. May make Yoda a cardinal

4. May swap pointy hats for Kangols

5. Showed in Pulp Fiction that he enjoys serving the community: "Normally, both your asses would be dead as fucking fried chicken, but you happen to pull this shit while I'm in a transitional period so I don't wanna kill you, I wanna help you"

6. Morgan Freeman can't run; has been God already

7. Instead of crooked staff: light saber

8. Probably will be persuasive in getting little kids to read the Bible, especially if there is a handgun involved

2005-04-13T23:25:00.000+08:00

Any antagonism towards my firm and those contemplating joining it instantly melted away when i got to Shanghai and saw my hotel room. Let's just say i've never been in a hotel room with a guest bathroom before. That's riiiiight!!

Shanghai

Rocks.

Recruiting (or "Society is not ready for you yet")

Interviewing was a bit bizarre. Cousin Nette: yes they were mainlanders. In a way i'm glad to have had the chance to come here and nip some potential assholes' careers in the bud. Those born in 1990 - these people could have been your boss so thank me for giving them the thumbs down and ruining their careers before they had the chance to ruin your as yet unformed life.

Or they were just numbnuts. Take the example of a candidate i'll call Meatstick

Me: It says here you studied advanced rocket science as well as American poetry. That's interesting. What do you like about poetry?

Meatstick: Oh, i like English... i find it more interesting than Chinese.

Me: What the?? I mean, oh, why is that?

Meatstick: Well, English words all have interesting roots. Like, in Chinese, meat is meat, while in English, you have beef, pork, mutton.... do you know why they call it beef?

Me: ??

Meatstick: (Launches into some convoluted explanation about how the French invaded England and made everyone call cows beef... or some shit like that, i was spitting out my water at the time)

Me: Ah. We'll be in touch.

Anyway we hired two. They freaked us out the least.

Inappropriate contact

2005-04-11T13:22:00.000+08:00

So i came to work more tired and disinterested than usual - perhaps 6 hours sleep on sunday starting at 8am didn't agree with my "biorhythm". If i can only stay cruddy and mean-spirited until I go for graduate recruitment in Shanghai this week. Boy, won't those top-flight Chinese graduates expecting a thoughtful and informative interview with a professional be surprised!

Me: So why do you want to work for us?

The fourth straight-A Rhodes scholar that day: Because i am a committed team player who admires the principles of co-operation and mutual peer support that characterise your fine organisation.

Me: Fuck you

Anyway maybe it won't turn out so bad and at least i might get to sleep in a little bit. And I'll get a chance to catch up with Merv. And maybe i'll catch bird flu and get a few days off work.

Mr T says: "Hey boy, you lookin' mighty cute in them jeans!"

Fancy schmancy

2005-04-10T19:01:00.000+08:00

I've decided to break away from that sorry excuse for a blog host, xanga.

But lest i forget all the people i took shots at, here is my old blog (all 4 posts of it) for posterity:

http://www.xanga.com/puunkroc

Apologies to epileptics, the colour scheme will probably land u in the ER.